Moistness

Katy or Zooey

2010-10-01T22:41:00.022+01:00

Those Republicans love their fun and games

2008-09-09T02:05:00.002+01:00

26 things we can all learn from WANTED

2008-07-02T15:34:00.005+01:00

Don't stand on the "X".
If you're quick enough, you can curve a bullet's flightpath.
Regardless of "initial curvature", the flight path of the bullet will not change as it goes through objects (like 8 skulls).
Receiving 3 million dollars you don't deserve turns you into a jerk really quickly.
Some ATMs are capable of making accurate assessments of your life.
If you're best buddy is banging your girlfriend, why not buy him condoms
Always obey THE LOOM OF DOOM. Do not question it, it knows all. It even knows all about Laser eye surgery.
When the LOOM OF DOOM comes up with a target, there is only one person with that name.
The LOOM OF DOOM has somehow completely ignored the possibility of assassinating Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Mugabe (ohh! topical!) etc...
Binary code has been around for a thousand years and is the official language of Fate.
DON'T stand on the "X"!
Being encased in wax makes wounds heal faster.
When your all out of the wax bath, fill it up with water and lay some broken plastic on the top of it instead.
In some super secret assassin organizations, punching recruits in the face a lot is considered a legitimate training technique.
Cops will not continue to pursue the bright red viper if it is missing two tires creating sparks along the road.
Rats REALLY love peanut butter, even if its laced with explosives.
Rats can totally fill up an entire building within, like, 30 seconds of being released.
Angelina Jolie can carry off the Amy Winehouse heroin addict look, bones, tattoos, big head and all, for a whole movie.
You can be a lethally powerful hitwoman even if you have arms as thin as spaghetti.
Garbage trucks are bulletproof
DON'T STAND ON THE "X"!!!!
You can have narration in your movie even if it does nothing to advance the plot, or add humour, or much-needed exposition.
Googling "Wesley Gibson", without quotes, doesn't return any results. (????)
If someone takes your job at work they will look just like you from the back.
You can make a movie that looks like a 6-year old wrote the script, make it look dumb and replace plot with explosions and still get it rated higher than Smokin' Aces.
DON'T STAND ON THE..... oh never mind.

The 6 best jokes ever

2008-06-15T00:34:00.005+01:00

1) A woman came up to me today and asked for an innuendo.
So I gave her one.

2) What do you call a French man who wears sandals?
Phillipe Philloppe.

3) Why are pirates pirates?
Because they aaaarghh!

4) How much do cockneys pay for shampoo?
Pantenne ('pound ten)

5) Two monkey in the bath. One says "ooh ooh, aah aah" and the other says "well pour some more cold water in."

The Stranglers' Hugh Cornwell releases new album as free download

2008-06-10T22:16:00.003+01:00

Hugh Cornwell has now spent more time out of the Stranglers than in after a 16-year role as the band's front man. Since the Stranglers he has released as many albums as a solo artist as he did with the band, to varying degrees of critical acclaim.

His latest album, Hooverdam, is probably his best solo album with some excellent songs, but rather than sell it like all the others Hugh is giving this one away as a free internet download. Why?

Since leaving the Stranglers, Hugh's audience has comprised two main groups. Those that followed from being Stranglers fans, and a few people who became interested after hearing his music along the way. The Stranglers tag has always been too big and prevented many people from coming to his work with an unbiased pair of ears. Hugh has been entertaining a sizeable but static audience.

The free download is meant to break the pattern. Hugh is hoping that this free music will reach many more people, some new fans, some lapsed fans, some Stranglers fans who followed the band rather than Hugh after the split. With the high standard of this work he hopes they will investigate his back catalogue (which is not free for download) and remain loyal for future albums.

Will the gamble pay off? That's up to people like you.

Hooverdam is available for download, free at www.hooverdamdownload.com

Google enters the financial comparison world

2008-06-06T14:55:00.004+01:00

Not content with dominating web advertising, Google is now moving into the highly competitive world of financial comparison websites, and unlike those websites who spend fortunes on TV advertising, Google find their customers for free.

If you hit their beta program, and type in "secured loan" into a regular Google search screen you might find yourself with this dialog box at the top of your search results:

At the top of the page you are asked to select a loan amount and click to compare lenders. Google link to different lender offers and will take commission on any application that leads to a successful loan, just like all those other sites.

Where will Google go next?

Six important tips for new Dads

2008-05-06T13:00:00.000+01:00

1) Encourage breast feeding
This is a win-win stance. If you have the reasons why breastfeeding is beneficial to hand you will look like you only have your child's interests at heart. The reward comes when your baby wakes up at 3 o'clock in the morning needing a feed and the mother is the only one who can meet the demand. You can roll over and go back to sleep.

2) Change the baby
Yes, this does sound like a strange piece of advice, but here is the logic: Changing a newborn baby is not that unpleasant until it starts eating solid food, and even then not for a while. Change the baby a lot in the early weeks. You will gain a fantastic reputation with the mother and relatives and can back off saying you have had your spell when the task starts to become nasty. Even if the mother does catch on your reputation in the wider family will be already made and bomb-proof.

3) Don't be quiet when the baby is asleep
A big mistake many parents make around a new baby is being quiet when the baby is sleeping, or when the baby is trying to get to sleep. In time this trains the baby to need silence at bedtime and to be a light sleeper. Make noise, go about your regular routine as the baby gets sleepy. Soon they will be able to sleep anywhere, and stay asleep once down.

4) Take the child to parties
Taking your child to parties is a task that starts out arduous but becomes much better as the children get older. Become the party-taker early on and enjoy the fruits later. In the early days you'll have to stay at the party and make small talk with other parents. One day, your child will suddenly become independent enough to leave at the party while you.. well, while you do whatever you want for a couple of hours. If that happens to be sitting in a coffee shop reading a magazine or leaning against the bar watching the game then that is pure gold. And if you don't think so now you will in a couple of years' time.

5) Keep back at least one magic trick
Young children are easy to fool with magic tricks, from the disappearing ball you throw over your shoulder to the "broken nose" routine to the melting coin, and your children as they get older will ask you how you do them. If you give up all your tricks your mystery will evaporate instantly. Always keep at least one trick to yourself to keep the Daddy-magic in place.

6) Have a difficult to remember mobile number
In hustler circles this is known as the long con but the key point here is to get the mother to have an easy to remember mobile number and make sure yours is a random set of digits. As children get older they learn to use phones and will make calls for the flimsiest of reasons at the most inconvenient times. They will call the first number they can remember, and once they get an answer they will keep going back. By making your number more awkward you guarantee yourself many times of future peace.

You DON'T mess with KP

2008-04-11T11:35:00.002+01:00

No way.

Adobe owns your soul

2008-03-31T01:49:00.002+01:00

Be careful when if you use Photoexpress.com. Any photo you post there effectively becomes the property of Adobe. For ever...

London Transport label Chinese as troublemakers

2008-03-06T21:07:00.006Z

Transport for London, the organisation that oversees all public transport in the capital city, has commenced a poster campaign to encourage passengers to be more thoughtful of each other, especially when travelling in confined spaces.

Maybe it's just me... no it's not me. The characters do look Chinese don't they?

They might as well just call them the usual suspects and add a height guide...

Dairy free muffins

2008-02-26T23:11:00.003Z

This dairy free recipe is perfect for those who are intolerant to eggs, milk or butter. It makes about 20 cakes.

Ingredients

2 ripe bananas
1 cup orange juice
¹/₂ cup vegetable oil
2 ³/₄ cups plain flour
1 cup sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
¹/₂ teaspoon salt
¹/₂ teaspoon grated orange peel (optional)

Heat the oven to 190°C

In a large bowl, mash the bananas until they change to a gloopy liquid. Add the orange juice, oil, flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt and stir into an even mixture.

Spoon into a baking tray, garnish with orange peel, and bake for 19 minutes.

Computing basics

2008-02-25T12:48:00.017Z

Protection

Virus protection
Free anti-virus is available for Windows machines from http://free.grisoft.com

Firewall protection
Make sure your firewall is turned on. Go to Control Panel -> Network Connection -> and right click on the network adapter either local area connection (wired) or wireless network connection (wireless). Select Properties and click on the Advanced tab. Click Settings and from there you can turn on the firewall for that adapter.

Spyware protection
Go to http://www.download.com and click on the link ‘Ad-Aware 2007’ to download the application. Note, after installation the program will ask you for a registration code. Just press ‘Cancel’ to run the free version.
Spybot at http://www.spybot.com is another recommended anti-Spyware program.

System optimisation
CCleaner from http://www.ccleaner.com is a freeware system optimization and privacy tool. It removes unused files from your system allowing Windows to run faster and freeing up valuable hard disk space.

Backups

Data can be important so make sure you keep it backed up. You can back up locally or to the internet.

Physical backup
http://www.ntius.com/backup_now.asp

Online Backup
http://www.idrive.com
http://www.mozy.com

Batteries

A very good souce for batteries for laptops and other devices is http://www.battery.co.uk

Internet Service Providers

The main rule about choosing an Internet Service Provider (ISP) is that there is a nightmare story about all of them. Use an ISP comparison site like http://www.thinkbroadband.com to minimise your chances of becoming another horror statistic.

On the whole:

Bethere – A reasonable ISP, they provide you with good free hardware (up to 24 meg)
BT – Higher than average reports of support issues
Nildram - No issues
Pipex – Generally a good provider with good support
Plusnet - Used to be good but have been bought out by BT
Virgin Media - Good if you live in the area they cover and don't want to pay BT for line rental. Only advised for the more technical user
Zen Internet - Expensive but good

Testing your line
If you are concerned that the actual throughput of your service is slower than the one you subscribed to, visit these sites to perform service tests:
http://www.speedtest.net
http://www.thinkbroadband.com/speedtest.html

Routers

The following routers are reliable and good value for money:
Netgear DG834G Router
3com

If you are having problems, with a poor signal strength in certain floors and areas of your house an access point is a good way to boost your signal.
Range booster

Wireless troubleshooting

NetStumbler is a free tool for Windows that allows you to detect local wireless networks. You can use it to:-

Verify that your network is optimally configured
Find locations with poor coverage in your wireless network
Detect other networks that may be causing interference for your network
Detect unauthorized "rogue" access points in your home

You can download NetStumbler from http://www.netstumbler.com/downloads

Using NetStumbler
When setting-up or troubleshooting your wireless network, it is best practice to ensure that the wireless connections are not using the same adjacent channels (e.g. your neighbour uses channel 1 and you use channel 2).
Two separate wireless networks using adjacent channels in the same vicinity will interfere with each other. Decrease the amout of channel cross-talk by ensuring that the two networks have the maximum channel separation, this will provide a noticeable performance increase.
The preferred channel separation between the channels in neighbouring wireless networks is 5 channels. If your neighbour uses channel 1 try channel 6, if they are on channel 6 try channel 11.
Please take note of your other surrounding networks and their strength when setting-up or troubleshooting your own wireless network.

Remote Control

If you have relatives or friends who need assistance, or perhaps you need assistance from another expert, use LogMeIn from http://www.logmein.com to have one machine take control of another for a period of time. It is free, secure and easy to use.

A suite of sounds for your mobile device

2008-02-07T14:02:00.001Z

The right set of sounds can turn ordinary hardware into a cool gadget. Here is the Moistness suite ready to click and use...

The Wake Up Sound
Waking up to the right sound sets the er, tone for the day. Here we have chosen Stephen Fry's exquisitely soothing butler's voice. Mr Fry has recorded over 150 wake up messages for the Voco clock and this is an excellent example.

The Ringtone
Obviously choosing the right ringtone to suit your personality is important, but repeated studies and surveys have shown that there is nothing cooler than The Creeps by Camille Jones vs. Fedde Le Grand, just check out the video.

The Personal Alert
Sometones you want to be alerted but you don't want others to know. Vibrate is meant to do this but we all know now when other people's phones are vibrating. So here is the answer. It sounds like a sound in the room but it will take people a long time to figure out it is your phone. You will know though.

The Scary Sound
Sometimes for fun you need a sound that will scare people. This is the sound that death makes before taking people in the movie "The Grudge". If you have seen the movie you'll know this is a scary sound. If not, then it is still scary.

Superzoom London shows big people and giant shadows

2008-01-25T20:14:00.000Z

192.com have released their Superzoom feature of central London which trumps Google Maps by going to 4m to the inch. Check out the quality and the giant shadows of people taken early in the morning.

Click here for the link to this image, just outside Buckingham Palace:

Here are some people going across London Bridge:

And these people at Trafalgar Square:

Point & Gurn politics is here

2008-01-11T00:06:00.001Z

I will be voting for Hillary. If the woman gets this excited just meeting people she's gonna wet herself if she becomes President. And that Chelsea shows promise too.

Neil Sudoku

2008-01-02T00:08:00.000Z

I am glad the Sudoku craze is all but over. Not so long ago you couldn't board a bus or train without seeing passengers buried in their puzzles, their expressions a strange mixture of straining to think and public superiority. Some of them thought it made them better at mathematics but that's not what Sudoku is about. The numbers are just a convenience. To prove the point I made one with pictures:

Click here for the solution.

All my own work: 3

2007-12-04T23:52:00.000Z

I thought my "Days-to-live" glasses were great.

Until I got them home.

There is a quote that goes something like "The worst fate can befall a man is to know the date of his own death" and I was thinking about that when I made the "Days-to-live" glasses picture above.

After it made the front page of B3ta someone pointed out the video by Nickelback which deals with similar themes.

All my own work: 2

2007-11-21T00:28:00.000Z

This was my first front page at the b3ta website back in March 2005. Not very witty and an easy target but hey, a front page is a front page.

How to be a Superhero in 4 steps

2007-11-15T00:04:00.000Z

Every kid wants to be a Superhero when he or she grows up and while schools and colleges are designed to help you become an accountant or a computer manager nothing helps you prepare to be Super.

Here is the moistness 4-step guide to prepare you to be a Superhero.

Step 1 - Nominal alliteration

Let's start with the easiest step first. You are statistically much more likely to become a Superhero if your first and last names begin with the same letter or sound. If this is already the case you can proceed to step 2. If not you can change your first name to match your surname, your surname to match your first name, or even change both. Changing your name can be as simple as asking people to call you by your new name but if you are really serious about this then click here for a legal guide. Think of a good excuse for changing your name before you start. Remember; saying that you want to become a Superhero may not sound like a good idea to other people.

Richard Reed Mr. Elastic	Susan Storm Invisible Girl		Peter Parker Spiderman
Bruce Banner The Hulk	Clark Kent Superman

Step 2 - Get used to tight pants

When you suddenly become a superhero you will not look cool constantly pulling at your suit or adjusting your private parts. Use the time now, when you are not yet a Super, to practice wearing tight fitting clothes. If you are not comfortable being seen wearing tight clothes in public then wear tights under your regular clothes. Get used to a warm crotch from the heat of fabric friction. If your future powers enable you to fly you will find this an excellent way to cool down. Superman always flies away from a kiss with Lois Lane to cool his ardour.

Step 3 - Reduce your relatives

This is quite a difficult step to put into practice but the sad fact remains that Supers are often orphans too. Superman, Spiderman, Batman are all orphans. Killing your own relatives could seriously affect your ambition to be a Superhero and may even force you to become a Supervillain. Why not just pretend you are an orphan and go and live with your aunt.

Step 4 - Radiation

In nearly all human to superhero conversions radiation in some form is a major factor. The problem with radiation is that radioactive material is not easy to find or buy, and industrial radioactive accidents are not common. China has the worst record for industrial accidents but living there, learning the language and finding a job at a nuclear plant are all quite difficult especially if you are not Chinese to begin with. Also the Chinese industrial accident record is improving all the time. Your best bet is to spend as much time as possible at the Chernobyl Central Zone of Alienation which can be visited but is off limits for living in. The Chernobyl accident occurred on April 26th 1986 and around 6.6 million people were exposed to radiation. The first Chernobyl Supers could be here any day now. Follow the steps above and maybe you can join them.

All my own work: 1

2007-11-06T23:29:00.001Z

This is my most published work. All I did was add the Tesco bag to a picture of the Queen at Wimbledon. I put it on the B3ta website and they put it on their front page. Nuts magazine stole it and printed it. They don't pay royalties. Apparently.

Posterwatch 1: Ikea

2007-10-30T20:46:00.000Z

Ikea are currently running this poster advert. It asks the question "When your little boy draws a plane on the wall, do you reach for the paint roller or grab another crayon and draw a rocket?"

This is obviously a trick question and both answers are wrong. You draw a rocket, he draws the moon, you draw the sun and so on. Before you know it you'll be living in graffitti house hell. A paint roller on the other hand makes a poor punishment weapon because the head swivels and softens the blow.

The correct answer is "a baseball bat".