All my own work: 2

This was my first front page at the b3ta website back in March 2005. Not very witty and an easy target but hey, a front page is a front page.

How to be a Superhero in 4 steps

Every kid wants to be a Superhero when he or she grows up and while schools and colleges are designed to help you become an accountant or a computer manager nothing helps you prepare to be Super.

Here is the moistness 4-step guide to prepare you to be a Superhero.

Step 1 - Nominal alliteration

Let's start with the easiest step first. You are statistically much more likely to become a Superhero if your first and last names begin with the same letter or sound. If this is already the case you can proceed to step 2. If not you can change your first name to match your surname, your surname to match your first name, or even change both. Changing your name can be as simple as asking people to call you by your new name but if you are really serious about this then click here for a legal guide. Think of a good excuse for changing your name before you start. Remember; saying that you want to become a Superhero may not sound like a good idea to other people.

Richard Reed Mr. Elastic	Susan Storm Invisible Girl		Peter Parker Spiderman
Bruce Banner The Hulk	Clark Kent Superman

Step 2 - Get used to tight pants

When you suddenly become a superhero you will not look cool constantly pulling at your suit or adjusting your private parts. Use the time now, when you are not yet a Super, to practice wearing tight fitting clothes. If you are not comfortable being seen wearing tight clothes in public then wear tights under your regular clothes. Get used to a warm crotch from the heat of fabric friction. If your future powers enable you to fly you will find this an excellent way to cool down. Superman always flies away from a kiss with Lois Lane to cool his ardour.

Step 3 - Reduce your relatives

This is quite a difficult step to put into practice but the sad fact remains that Supers are often orphans too. Superman, Spiderman, Batman are all orphans. Killing your own relatives could seriously affect your ambition to be a Superhero and may even force you to become a Supervillain. Why not just pretend you are an orphan and go and live with your aunt.

Step 4 - Radiation

In nearly all human to superhero conversions radiation in some form is a major factor. The problem with radiation is that radioactive material is not easy to find or buy, and industrial radioactive accidents are not common. China has the worst record for industrial accidents but living there, learning the language and finding a job at a nuclear plant are all quite difficult especially if you are not Chinese to begin with. Also the Chinese industrial accident record is improving all the time. Your best bet is to spend as much time as possible at the Chernobyl Central Zone of Alienation which can be visited but is off limits for living in. The Chernobyl accident occurred on April 26th 1986 and around 6.6 million people were exposed to radiation. The first Chernobyl Supers could be here any day now. Follow the steps above and maybe you can join them.

All my own work: 1

This is my most published work. All I did was add the Tesco bag to a picture of the Queen at Wimbledon. I put it on the B3ta website and they put it on their front page. Nuts magazine stole it and printed it. They don't pay royalties. Apparently.